Living a Lie

How many times do we live a lie? How many times do we simply go through the motions, because it’s what is expected of us, because it’s all we know? We know no other way. That isn’t to say it’s never real, but that when it becomes fake, we just keep going with it. We say the right things and do the right things, all while feeling dead inside. How many times do we trust what other people say God is saying instead of seeking Him for ourselves? Sometimes, when I get frustrated spiritually, I just give up. Instead of digging harder into God’s Word and presence, I simply stop trying. I still pray, read my Bible, and talk to others about Him; but I stop talking TO Him. There’s a subtle difference. It’s not the same thing to talk about God as it is to talk to Him. I still poured out my list of concerns and questions, only to zoom on to the next obligation or activity. I never stopped and waited for an answer. I didn’t listen for the still, small voice. I didn’t want to, because I didn’t want to put forth the effort.

I was used to the lies and guilt of the enemy. It trapped me within a pit of despair where I felt lethargic and unable to escape. I then tried to compensate for this with works. I read my Bible more, prayed more, and talked about Him more, still while ignoring His beautiful voice. Frustrated, I confided in a godly friend. I poured out my heart to her. She had me walk through everything step by step, and I came to this simple conclusion. I miss Him. I miss His intimacy. I miss knowing Him on a deep, personal level and telling Him that I am His favorite. Frankly, I miss believing that I am His favorite; because there was a time, not too long ago, where I really did believe it, with all my heart. Our God is such a personal, jealous God. Now, I’m not saying that I consider myself of more importance to God than someone else. I know, however, that He loves me, intimately and personally, not just humanity as a whole. This helps me to connect closely with Him. I was reminded of times when I sacrificed so much to know Him better. I gave up movies, sacrificed relationships, and did countless other things, all while even Christian friends told me I was crazy or that my actions were unnecessary. The truth of it all was that my heart was to please my Father. If He didn’t want me watching tv shows or movies that promoted cursing, taking His name in vain, or sexual immorality, then I sure wasn’t going to watch it. For one, I did not want to do anything to offend or hurt His heart. Secondly, since the Holy Spirit lives inside me, anything I sit down to watch, I’m causing Him to be subjected to, as well. How selfish of me!

Overall, I’m just brought back to what matters. I’m brought back to the importance of an intimacy with my first love, Jesus Christ. It is, after all, all about Him. I’m not content to live a “typical” Christian life where I show up to church on Sundays and Wednesdays and simply do what everyone else considers the safe, “right” thing. I want to live out a radical, personal relationship with Christ. I am choosing to sit before Him and simply listen. I am going back to the seasons in which I live my life constantly in the uncomfortable, completely dependent upon Him for my every step. I am going back to the moments where I do not just read His word, say a few words, and call it a day. I am going to listen for His voice, because He is my shepherd, and I know His voice. I am going back to an intimate relationship where God not only guides me and gives me wisdom but also shares His heart with me. Tonight, I’m going back to the basics.

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