Deciding to embrace the idea of parenthood and trust God’s timing on the start of our family was a little terrifying to me. I always desired to be a wife, but I never gave much thought to being a mother. I didn’t want to give of myself to the extent that I knew would be required. I didn’t want to sacrifice my body, my time, and my sleep. I felt so blessed by my spouse and my marriage that I feared parenthood surely couldn’t hold much joy for me. I somehow assumed that because the transition of marriage was easy for me, God would even things out with a difficult transition into parenting. As absurd as that idea may have been, fear was gripping my heart, and I was choosing to believe that fear over God’s Word.
I will always be thankful for the day James asked me to simply pray and seek the Lord for His will regarding children. That day and that season of prayer changed my heart and my life. While the fear would rear its head from time to time in the waiting and in my pregnancy, I chose to walk in obedience and trust the Lord’s direction in spite of those feelings. And I am so very thankful I did, because the Lord dispelled every single one of those fears with Ryman’s arrival.
Being a mom is the best job I’ve ever had. Somehow, while standing in his room, swaying him to sleep, as his tiny fingers tightly grasp the top of my shirt so he’ll feel if I try to slip away, I find purpose. As his breathing becomes slower and his face relaxes, love and joy wash over me. It all feels so bittersweet… this attempt to capture every single moment and bottle it up- every word of gibberish, every belly laugh, every scent of lavender baby lotion on his skin, and every sight of him staring sweetly into my eyes or drifting off to sleep. I just did this whole process five minutes before, but I heard him cry, so we’re doing it all again. I run to comfort him, because I just can’t help but think that these days go all too quickly. These days that I never thought I’d even want, have restructured the very desires of my heart. These days have given me unimaginable joy. I would get up and hold that sweet boy and rock him to sleep time and time again, because these days have given my heart a fierce purpose to know and love and nurture this precious gift from God and to slowly and patiently teach him that there’s a Man who loves him even more than I ever could. These days are worth it. As my lunch grows cold and my list of tasks lay forgotten, I realize that every bit of it is a worthwhile sacrifice.